


oh they are so buried deep, the secrets that we keep

by elfiethewicked



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demiromantic Keith (Voltron), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Honesty there is so much angst in this, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, I swear, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Keith (Voltron), Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Somewhere, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This fic will be death of me, but there is fluff too, ridiculously oblivous boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-22 09:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12478396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfiethewicked/pseuds/elfiethewicked
Summary: Lance dropped his arms and looked at Keith in horror.“You- you don’t remember?”“No, of course I remember. We went to the deserted galra base, that wasn’t actually deserted and then we-““Keith, Keith. That was three months ago. You don’t remember anything since then?Keith and Lance go on a mission where something goes horribly horribly wrong.Three months later a lot has changed, if only Keith could remember it.Set after Season 4





	1. The beginning

“You will only be gone for a couple hours.” Shiro had said. “It’s an easy mission, it will no problem.”  He had said.

Easy mission, my ass, Lance thought as he and Keith were running through the base from galra soldiers. This base was supposed to be deserted. They were only supposed to get the information from the old database. It was supposed to be easy but no of course it wasn’t, with Lance’s luck why would it be. They had been chosen for the mission because they needed someone from the Blade of Marmora to interfere with galra technology. While Shiro had wanted to go with Keith himself his lion was too heavy for the planets gravity. So, Lance, with the swiftest lion, had been chosen. The castle ship couldn’t go near the planet either because of the strong gravity so they had wormholed there.

He had let Keith fly Red, knowing they had missed each other just as much as he missed Blue. The smile he got was more than worth taking the back seat for a while. Now Keith grabbed Lance’s hand and pulled him along a little faster. This was not how he imagined him holding Keith’s hand would happen but here they were. Lance’s legs were burning, his lungs and stomach ached and he longed for a breathing break but Keith’s hand tugged at his and he followed. Followed Keith like he had from that first day when they found Blue, followed Keith like he always had, followed Keith like he would always do, should he get his way.

He didn’t see it coming, one minute they were running, the next Keith pushes Lance behind him and they are taking heavy fire from the oncoming soldiers in the other end of the hallway. Keith’s shield is protecting them but the force of the shot sends them sliding backwards.

“Can you take them out?” Keith yells over the shots.

“I can try!” Taking up his bayard Lance takes aim over Keith’s shoulder and starts shooting. Slowly they gain some ground and start walking forwards. Soon they are too close for Lance’s bayard to be of much use but that’s were Keith takes over. Dropping the shield and lifting his sword Keith cut, and sliced his way through the droid soldiers. It didn’t take long before every one of them was on the ground. Keith turned to him, grinned, and started running.

They were almost out, they were almost out. Just a few more turns, left, right, right, right, left, left and then they would be out. Lance’s chest was heaving, he really did need to do more cardio during their training sessions in the future, and he had lost all feelings in his legs. Almost out, almost at Red.

He actually got to see the sky, see Red before it happened. A horrible pain in his back, and stumble and Keith’s arms that caught him.

 

“Shiro, Shi- Shi- Shiro?” Keith’s voice broke through the intercom sounding breathless.

“Keith? Yes, I’m here, what happened? You were supposed to be back hours ago, Allura can’t hold the worm whole open form much longer.”

“There was a bit of a delay. The base wasn’t as empty as you said it would be. It was full of galra soldiers. We got the information however, it was just a bit of a hassle to get out with it.”

“Well I’m glad you are both okay, hurry back to the ship now before the wormhole closes.”

“That’s just the thing. We are not both okay. Lance took a blast to the shoulder. He needs a healing pod.”

“We’ll prepare one, don’t worry, just focus on getting him back here”

“Okay.”

Shiro wasn’t worried. Not yet. Sure, it had taken a little longer than expected but Keith and Lance would make it back in time. They would.

He informed Allura that they would be back soon and asked Coran to prepare the healing pod. He wandered a bit, looked at Pidge and Hunk’s latest project and helped Coran with the pod. It wasn’t until Allura called out for him that he returned to the control room.

“Shiro, I can’t hold it open much longer, they need to come back _now_ ”

“Keith, where are you?”

“Just made it to Red, we are lifting now.”

“Great.”

Seconds ticked by and turned to minutes but no sign of Red coming through the wormhole.

“You need to come back _now_!”

“We are, we are going in the wormhole no- “

A thud behind Shiro warned him that Allura had fainted from the energy of keeping the wormhole open. He looked out to see the wormhole closed.

“Keith, Keith, _Keith?”_

No reply. Now Shiro was worried.

 

 

The first thing Keith saw was white, then everything was cold and large amount of mist filled his vision. Stumbling forward a pair of arms caught him.

“There you are, buddy, how are you feeling?”

Keith blinked for a moment before looking around. He saw Hunk, Pidge, Coran, Allura standing around him. Shiro was holding him up.

“Lance? Where’s Lance?”

The others looked at each other and Keith felt a wave of dread in his chest. He pushed through them.

“Lance, where is Lance? Lance!”

Lance came running through the door and Keith felt his knees buckle with relief. He barely had the time to take a breath before Lance was at his side. Cradling Keith’s face in his hands he scanned every inch of it.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, how about you, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Didn’t even need a healing pod.” Lance was petting down his chest and arms, looking really worried and Keith felt weird and weirdly not weird at the same time.

“Really? That’s great! I thought that after that galra soldier shot you and the wormhole closed around us I wouldn’t get you to help in time”

“The what?” Lance stared at him as if he had lost his mind.

“The wormhole? With Red? Are you sure you are okay?”

Lance dropped his arms and looked at Keith in horror.

“You- you don’t remember?”

“No, of course I remember. We went to the deserted galra base, that wasn’t actually deserted and then we-“

“Keith, Keith. That was three months ago. You don’t remember anything since then?

 

 


	2. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Keith and Lance after they disappeared.

Lance was scared. One minute he was in lying on the floor in Red the next she started shaking violently. Terrified he grabbed for Keith’s hand, found it searching for his, and held on tight.

“We are gonna be okay, Lance. You are gonna be okay.” Keith’s voice was strained but steady. He left the pilots seat and sat down next to Lance almost dragging him up into his lap. Lance could feel that he was shaking; he was probably also scared even if he didn’t show it. Lance watched as they flew closer and closer to the black empty void. He felt the hatch to the door to Red open felt how he and Keith was pulled out of her. There was the feeling of being ripped in every direction at once and then everything went black.

 

The first thought that entered Lance brain was “at least I’m not dead.” There was simply no way being dead hurt this much. Dying yes, but being dead? No, that wouldn’t be this bad. Was he dying though? Lance felt his body, focused on limb by limb, but found he couldn’t move them. Swallowing panic he tried again, and again before he settled for trying to open his eyes. Suddenly he felt something cool brush against his cheek and vaguely recognised the feeling from when his mother used to brush away his tears. It felt nice and Lance tried to lean into it and shocked himself by being able to.

“Lance?” The cool hand moved to his neck and a thumb stroked his cheek.

“Lance, wake up. I need you to wake up.”

It was Keith, Lance would’ve recognised his voice in any stim of sound. He leaned into Keith’s cool hand again and tried to open his eyes again, but failed.

“You’re awake okay, I know you are. So, open your eyes for me. Look at me, Lance.” Keith’s voice was calm. Maybe that’s what did it, maybe that was what made it easier. That Keith wasn’t panicked, desperate, scared or sad. He was just calm, and chill as he often were in times of danger. So, when Keith told him to open his eyes, he did.

He stared right up into grey eyes and a frown. Keith’s hands flew up to Lances eyes and started inspecting them, then they moved onto his forehead and down to his neck again. He was careful though, his hands barely a whisper against Lance’s skin.

“You don’t seem to have a fever so that’s good and you are not too cold either.” Keith did a glance over of Lance’s body and looked back at him.

“Can you move?” When Lance just looked at him with panicked eyes he put on what was actually a rather reassuring smile. “Just try for me okay, do something, simple like shake your head, I felt you leaning into my hand before so I know you can.”

Lance thought he would die of embarrassment but there was nothing teasing in Keith’s eyes, just endless sympathy and patience. He had not known Keith could look so patient, not the hot-headed boy he first had met, but he guessed they both had changed a bit since then. So instead of trying to sink through the ground he shook his head.

“See, I told you, you could do it. Now squeeze my hand” Keith wrapped his hand around Lance’s and Lance squeezed it, expecting Keith to let go when he had. Instead Keith just smiled and squeezed it back.

“Great! Now move your feet.” Lance did and wondered why it was so much easier to do it when Keith was next to him, telling him what to do. He decided he would try his voice and ask why.

“Ke… Keif, Keef,” his mouth wouldn’t cooperate but he swallowed and tried again.

“Keef, Keith, why can I?”

“Why you can move now when you couldn’t before? It’s easy really. You are in shock, in pain and scared which means your body goes into panic mode. You _can_ move you just believe you can’t. It’s all in the head. It happened to me once when I fell of my hover bike, in the desert. The only thing I could do was to calm down and move myself little by little until I was in control again.”

Keith sat closer to him and wrapped his arm around Lance shoulder the best he could when he was still laying down. “We are gonna sit you up now, okay? I need you to help me. Just don’t... don’t put any weight on this arm.” He nodded towards the side where he had wrapped his own arm around, and Lance swallowed again. What had happened to his arm?

With herculean effort and Keith’s help Lance sat up enough for Keith to be able to lift him of the ground. He held him steady and Lance held on to him for dear life. Once he was steady on his feet Keith helped him over to a shielded spot under something that looked like trees.

“I’m sorry I had to move you so soon but I couldn’t risk laying out there in the open. I don’t think we are alone on this planet.”

“We _aren’t_ alone on this planet, we just ran from the galra. We-“ Lance looked around, nothing around him was familiar. This wasn’t the planet he had been on earlier this morning.

“Where is the rest of the team? Where are we? Keith, what happened?” He reached out with the arm Keith had told him not to move and a sharp pain shot through his shoulder and he screamed. Keith was at his side in a second.

“Lance, are you okay?”

Lance nodded with gritted teeth. “Keith, what happened?”

Keith looked down on the ground and for the first time he looked worried, then his expression turned back to a neutral face.

“We jumped into the wormhole too late.  We were torn out of Red and fell into the temporal rift. I’ve tried contacting the team but I can’t reach anyone. I don’t know Lance, I don’t know where we are.”

 

 


	3. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on the ship with after they've been found

Shiro was worried. If Keith couldn’t remember anything of what happened in the past three months, how bad was what had happened to them? They had done a brain scan, a physical, another brain scan and found nothing that would’ve caused Keith amnesia. Which only left one option; Keith’s amnesia had been caused by a psychological trauma. Shiro knew better than anyone how painful, how frustrating, and how scary that was. However, this time, someone had the answers, someone knew, someone could tell him. He needed to talk to Lance.

He went to Lance’s room but stop outside when he saw the door open to Keith’s. He was about to go in when he heard voices.

“Why can’t you just tell me what happened? I mean obviously something did, we were gone for three months and I ended up in a healing pod for a week!”

“I can’t tell you Keith, you heard what Coran said, your memories need to come back on their own. If you try to force them you might never heal from your trauma.” Lance replied calmly.

“I can’t do anything until I know, you don’t know what it is like to lose a quarter of a year. To wake up in a healing pod when you don’t even remember getting hurt. To have everyone look at you like you are a ghost. To have your memories being scattered to the wind completely!”

“Keith, please. Take it slow with this, I know it goes against every fibre of your being, but please, please, just take your time. Don’t rush this. For once in your life take care of yourself.”

Keith didn’t reply for a while and just when Shiro was about to step in and back up Lance Keith spoke up again.

“I will try, I can’t promise I will do it, but I will try.”

“Thanks Keith.”

Shiro didn’t have time to consider that Lance would realise that he had listened in to their conversation before Lance came out.

“Oh, hey Shiro, did you want to talk to Keith?”

“Actually, I wanted to speak to you first.”

“Okay” Lance gave him a steady smile.

They walked to the Lance’s room and Lance stood in front of him with his back straight and his posture tall. Lance had changed while he and Keith and been gone. He was more serious and less nervous. He seemed to have gained some of Keith’s confidence and security in himself when on the mission. Shiro was happy to see that happen. Lance’s self-esteem issues had worried him, but Shiro knew that he would never be able to get Lance to talk to him about it as he still had that hero status in Lance’s eyes. Maybe things would be different now, and if he wouldn’t talk about it with Shiro, maybe he would talk to Keith about them. He knew form Pidge, the all-knowing eye of the group, that Lance had already done so, before Keith joined the Blade of Marmora, just as he knew that whatever Lance had said Lance thought was the reason for Keith to leave. Shiro didn’t think that. Despite what most people thought, Keith actually stewed on things internally for a long time before acting on them. Chances were Keith had decided to step down as a paladin the minute Shiro got back even if he hadn’t planned on leaving them completely yet.

Shiro regretted a lot of things, but one of the things he regretted the most was letting Keith go with the Marmora’s without even trying to make him stay. He knew Keith well enough to know Keith pushed away people when they go too close instead of giving them a chance to hurt him. He had tried that with Shiro, Shiro should’ve recognised it when it happened again. Shiro should’ve had made sure Keith had stayed instead of supporting his departure so much. Of course, if it was what Keith had really wanted he would’ve let him go, but had that really been what Keith wanted, or had Keith just wanted to be asked to stay? Shiro needed to ask him later. He needed to talk more too Keith in general, be there for him as much as Keith had been there for them. However, the best thing he could do for Keith now was to figure out what had happened to him and help him remember it.

“I need your help with something Lance”

“Anything”

“I need you to tell me what happened while you were gone, I know you haven’t been wanting to talk about it but Keith’s awake now, he survived, and now he needs your help.”

Lance looked pained for a seconded before putting on a determined face.

“Anything but that”

“I know it hurts to talk about it, but consider Keith in this, he needs to remember this.”

“I _am_ considering Keith. Maybe more than you. It is not fair if I tell you but won’t tell him considering it is _Keith’s_ history we would be discussing. And either way if I tell you, you are going to try to make him remember, trigger memories because you know how frustrating and painful it is to lose your memories and we can’t have that. He needs to remember on his own, or we might do him more harm than good.”

“Lance- “

“No Shiro, I’m sorry, I know you are my leader and that Keith is like a brother to you but in this situation, you are wrong. This is Keith’s business and he should have the right to decide who knows about it. I’m sorry.”

“We should at least tell him why he was in the healing pod what he did, what the both of you did.”

“No, please don’t. He needs to remember on his own and besides of we tell him Keith is going to want to act on it and he needs to take care of his mental health before he throws himself into a kamikaze mission. “

Lance took as step forward. “Listen to me Shiro, I know you want to help him, but the best thing we can do is wait, wait and let Keith do this in the pace his mind needs. If someone had forced you to remember what happened on that galra ship you wouldn’t be as stable as you are right now. Forcing traumatic memories can only lead to more damage.”

“You seem to have an awful lot of knowledge about memory loss”

“I had memory loss caused me trauma as a child, I lost an entire month and I went to a therapist for over a year. So, as I am the only one who has not only gotten professional help with my trauma but also the only one who’s overcome it, take my word for it. Keith needs time, not matter how much he wants the opposite and it’s up to us to make sure he gets it.

I’m sorry Shiro, believe me I am, no one wants him to regain his memories more than me but he _needs_ time and if I don’t tell him I can’t tell anyone, it’s just not fair.”


	4. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Keith and Lance after they disappeared.

Lance couldn’t remember being in this much pain ever. His shoulder burned. Keith had told him he was lucky; the shot had barley graced him and since the heat from the laser had cauterized the wound they didn’t have to worry about him bleeding out. Lance didn’t feel lucky and he was a little freaked out by how much Keith new about flesh wounds. How much shit had this dude been through, both when living in the desert and when with the Blade of Marmora, how much was it that Lance didn’t know? He was so worried when Keith was away, but he didn’t know how to show it, how to say it, or even if Keith would want him to. Now he was worried again because Keith wore an expression that almost bordered on worry. Keith never showed when he was worried, even when Shiro was gone he just wore an expression of being pissed or sad, so Lance was scared. Keith always had this confidence that things would go right, either that or he just didn’t care if they went wrong and he got himself killed but Lance didn’t want to consider that option. If Keith was actually worried about the outcome of this, worried enough that he let it show, how bad was the situation really?

Keith sighed deeply before turning to Lance. “You are not gonna like this but I see no other way.”

“What can’t you see other way than...?”

“I have to leave you here alone for a while.”

Leave? Keith was going to leave him? “You can’t do that.”

“Believe me Lance I don’t want to leave you alone either, but we have to find a safer ground, and maybe something eatable, and preferably something for you to numb the pain.”

“You think we can find it here?”

“We may not be alone on this planet, maybe someone here have heard of Voltron and are willing to help us.”

“And you are just gonna go out there searching for it on your own?”

“You are in no state to walk long distances, you’re in too much pain. I’ll try to come back soon.” Keith turned away and started walking away.  

“Wait! Hold up!” Lance scrambled to get up from his sitting position and run after Keith. However, he put weight in his injured shoulder and fell down in a shriek of pain. Keith immediately turned around and hurried back to Lance’s side.

“Lance?” Lance wanted to tell Keith to let him come along, that he could do it, that he’d be okay but when he tried to speak all that came out was a choked sob. Carefully Keith helped Lance into a sitting position.

“Don’t leave me.”

Keith looked as if he had been punched in the stomach and Lance almost felt sorry but he really didn’t want Keith to leave.

“I am so sorry Lance, but I can’t move you without disturbing your wound and if I don’t do something you’ll die.”

Keith paused and, seemingly on impulse, he reached for and took Lances hand in his. He squeezed it and used his free hand to wipe away some sweaty strands of hair that had stuck to Lance’s forehead.

“I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Keith let go of Lance’s hand and stood up.

“Keith?”

“Yes?”

“At least take the helmet with you?”

Keith looked surprised for a moment before replying. “Of course.”

 

 

Keith had left but Lance had made sure he wouldn’t have a chance to feel lonely. He had talked ever since he had been left alone and Keith responded with the occasional hum. When he silenced for a bit Keith had asked him to keep going.

“What already miss the sound of my voice?”

Keith huffed, “I just want to make sure you don’t fall asleep on me, it be pretty dangerous for you to do that when you are there alone.”

“I have my bayard, Keith, it’s even within reach.”

“I would prefer if you didn’t have to use it”

“Well, so would I. But there is no need to worry about me Mullet Boy.”

“Just keep talking Lance.”

“Sure! But remember: you asked for it”

He told Keith about Hunk, about how they had become friends, about their adventures before Voltron, he told him about Pidge and how the three of them had become a team, he told him about Coran’s crazy episode with the mind-worm and the shows the team had done and talked about everything but earth and what he had left behind. He didn’t want to think about them, not when he had less chance of returning to them than ever. It hurt just to talk about the family he had found here in space but not talking about them hurt worse; if he started to think of them in terms of “was” rather than “is” as he did with his family back in earth he might go crazy.

He was in the middle of trying out pickup lines on Keith that he would later use on Allura when Keith made a hushing noise.

Lance heard a scratching noise on the other side of the com radio.  “Keith?”

“I’ll come back Lance, I promise.” Keith’s tone warned that he was about to do something stupid, suicidal, and downright insane.

“What do you mean you’ll come back? Why wouldn’t you? What are you gonna do? Keith? Keith? Keith!”

The line had died.


	5. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Keith and Lance are found

When Lance had left Keith sat down on his bed and stared at his hands. He had scars he didn’t recognise and he could bet his life that his hands were not the only place that they were. Part of him wanted to get up, find a mirror and inspect his body but the rest of him wanted to avoid seeing the rest of his body as long as possible. He didn’t want to see all the questions he didn’t have answers to, and that was all those scars were going to be. He wasn’t in pain but the mere fact that he had been in a healing pod for a week was enough to tell him that something had been really wrong.

There was a knock on the door and Keith stood up to open it. He barely had time to see who it was on the other side before he was pulled into a tight hug. Shiro’s metal arm was cold against Keith’s back but Keith didn’t mind. Slowly he raised his own arms and wrapped them tightly around Shiro’s back. They stood like that for a long time, one of Shiro’s hands cradling the back of Keith’s head and the other fisted in the fabric of Keith’s t-shirt. It was warm and safe and smelled like Shiro, and Keith felt some part of him settle, a part he knew well, the part of him that ached when he missed Shiro and he guessed that he must have had during those three months. Keith was struck by a thought, a sudden realisation that during some point in those three months he had thought and accepted that he would never see Shiro again. Keith squeezed Shiro a little tighter at the thought to prove to himself that he had gotten to see Shiro again, he had been able to come back from whatever. The thought still scared Keith; not once when Shiro was missing, either of the times, had Keith even once entertained the _thought_ he would never see Shiro again. What had happened while he himself was missing that had changed that? Shiro pulled back but held a hand on Keith shoulder. Keith looked up at him and relief, fear and pain was written all over Shiro’s face.  

“I’m sorry,” Keith didn’t know what he was apologizing for but he felt the need to say something, because _something he had done_ had put that look on Shiro’s face. However, his apology seemed to have the opposite effect on Shiro’s feelings. Shiro’s face was overwhelmed with pain and sorrow.

“No, Keith, please don’t apologize, please, please don’t apologize. None of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Shiro wouldn’t quite look Keith in the eye when he said it, instead he looked at a point over Keith’s right ear and Keith felt as if he was withholding something and wondered if he had done something after all.

“Keith, there is something I want to talk to you about…”

“I don’t remember anything, Shiro, nothing- “

“I know, Keith, I know, and I’m not asking you to, I just wanted to say that when you do remember something, you can talk to me about it.”

“Okay.”

For some reason Keith didn’t think he could, not because of Shiro, or well, really it was. He didn’t want to put more on Shiro’s shoulders than Shio already had to carry. Shiro had his own memories, his own traumas to deal with. Keith wouldn’t be the one to burden Shiro more.

 “Really, Keith, I mean it. You can come talk to me”

“Okay.”

It was clear that it wasn’t the reply Shiro wanted but he seemed to swallow his next words, paused a moment before speaking again.

“If you are up for it, the rest of the team would love to see you, we’ve all missed you and been worried, we didn’t even know if…” Shiro let that sentence trail of with the look of a man who had said too much and the unsaid “you would wake up” hung in the air.

“I want to see them too”

“Great!” There was still an uncertainty hanging in the air but Keith elected to ignore it.

 

 

When he came in to the lounge the rest of the team where obviously waiting for him and yet again Keith was over rumpled by a hug, this time from Pidge who had thrown herself at him.

“You do that again, and I will kill you myself,” She said, somewhat muffled from Keith’s chest.

“That’s Pidge speak for “I was very worried about you and I’m glad you are okay,”” said Hunk with a big smile.

Pidge let go again, but still stood near to him. “No, that _is_ Pidge speak for “You do that again, and I will kill you.”

Next to step up was Hunk, then Allura, Coran and Matt, leaving Lance last. He looked a bit uncertain but eventually stepped up to Keith as well.

“I know Pidge said that if you do that again she will kill you but Buddy she won’t have a chance, you scare me like that again and you will be dead and gone before you even can blink.”

Smiling Keith initiated the hug, with a security he hadn’t have before he apparently went missing.

Lance carefully wrapped his arms around Keith only to squeeze him hard once he had him in his arms. Burying his head in Keith neck he whispered. “Seriously, I know you don’t remember what you did but try to not be so reckless with your own life.”


	6. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Lance and Keith are found

Lance heard a noise in the woods next to him and raised his Bayard with his one functional arm.

“It’s me, Lance, it’s Keith” Lance lowered his Bayard and Keith made it out of the shadows arms full of boxes.

“Are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Am _I_ okay? Well, aside from losing a year of my life by how you broke contact with me I’m peachy.”

“I am serious Lance, how does your shoulder feel.”

_I was serious too._

“Like hell, I hope you found some pain relivers. On that note where did you get all of that?”

Keith cleared his throat and looked at a spot over Lance’s shoulder.

“So, it turns out we are not alone on this planet.”

“You found peaceful aliens? Where are they, are they behind you? Can they help is contact the team?” Lance felt relief bubble in his chest. He could go back!

“Not exactly…”

“What do you mean with ‘not exactly’?”  

“I found a galra base. It’s big and heavily guarded but surrounded by smaller bases.”

“If you didn’t find friendly aliens where did you get all the- Keith no! Tell me you didn’t break into a galra base!”

“I didn’t have a choice!”

Lance picked up a stone and threw it at Keith who instinctively dodged it. “What the hell, dude? You don’t get to risk your life to save mine, okay?”

“Yes, I do, it’s my life to risk, and besides, done is done. Now let me heal your shoulder.”

“I’m not so sure we should use Galra medicine on me as I am about 0% galra.”

“You tried Altean medicine without trouble. Besides it’s the same stuff the Blade of Marmora use, Kolivan showed me before.”

“And they just _happened_ to have the same stuff here?”

“Like I said, it’s a large base, and if the Blade of Marmora uses it as well, it makes sense they would keep medicine here. At a galra base, as the Blade of Marmora are galra in case you forgot.”

Lance wanted to chuck another stone at Keith; how could one person possibly care about his own life so little that they went in to a heavily guarded galra base alone, and without any possible backup? And then talk about it like it was no big deal. Like, pass me the salt would you, oh by the way, I risked my life at a galra base today. Again.

“Keith, do you like, ever think of the consequences of your actions before you act? Like do you ever even consider that you might die?”

“Of course, I do Lance, now hold still and let’s see if this stuff can do something for your shoulder.”

“Okay, but do you- ahhh ah,” Lance interrupted himself when Keith’s cool fingers touched his wound. Carefully Keith removed the fabric around it while Lance swore under his breath. Soon, but not nearly soon enough, it was done and Keith took but some of the icy blue substance in his hand and started to lift it to Lance's shoulder.

“This might sting a bit… I mean I don’t know if it will, but it might.”

Locking his yaw Lance nodded for Keith to continue and sighed in relief when the cool substance came in contact with his shoulder. It felt like when someone put a wet cloth on your head when you had a fever or headache. There was this instant relief of pain and left a soothing feeling.

“How does it look?”

“Well, it looks kind of creepy actually, I think I can actually see your skin regrow.”

“Eww.”

“You don’t say.” Keith absentmindedly ran his fingers up and down Lances shoulder and Lance never wanted him to stop; it almost felt as nice as the medicine.

“We still need to bind it up and apply it a few more times I think, how do you feel?”

“I feel terrific… You say you are aware that you might die when you do these things, but like don’t that bother you? It doesn’t seem like it’s bothering you? Do you even are at all?”

“Of course, I care, Lance!”

“Then why do you – “

“Drop it, Lance”

“No, seriously Keith why do you – “

“I said, drop it!” Keith’s hand had left Lance’s shoulder.

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Lance said at the same time as he thought that this was so not the last time they would have this conversation; Keith needed to learn his own worth.

Still looking mildly pissed off Keith bound Lance’s shoulder and Lance knew better than to push the subject at the moment. Still he couldn’t help but have one more thing to say.

“I’m sorry Keith but, please, don’t do that again.”

His only response was a shrug and a grunt and Lance knew he had to settle.

In silence they ate some of the food Keith had found. It tasted terrible but Lance was fairly sure it wouldn’t kill them. Fairly sure. Soon after that the sun had started to set and while Lance wasn’t keen on sleeping unguarded on an alien planet he was also really tired. He was wanted to ask Keith what to do but Keith still looked mad from their previous conversation and Lance thought that maybe he could just close his eyes for a moment, just for a moment while he figured out how to break the ice between him and Keith again.

He woke up again by Keith gently poking him. “It’s your turn to keep watch, I need to sleep too.”

As groggy as he was Lance was surprised Keith had considered that, but he Keith looked at him with soft eyes and Lance didn’t want to start another argument. Keith leaned back against the tree, handed Lance his bayard and fell asleep within seconds.

_How did he do that?”_

Scanning the surrounding forest Lance leaned back against the tree himself and willed himself to stay awake. When a weight on his shoulder alerted Lance that Keith now used him as a pillow he sighed.

This was probably the worst way ever to get to spend time alone with your crush.  


	7. After

The first few days Keith stayed away from the training deck, for no other reason than that he wanted to appease the team, but on the fifth day he had enough. He carried all this restless energy, frustration and confusion and he needed to get it out before he exploded. So, he started to train, and he felt as if he was reclaiming his own body. The scars had made him feel like a stranger to himself but following the routine he set up and taking step by step in the stimulations, he felt more and more like himself. This was his body, his calloused hands, his bony wrists and chewed down nails, his body. No number of scars could take that away from him. Still his body and brain didn’t feel 100% his own. Keith guessed that it was because his past wasn’t his own anymore, his past had always been this huge unanswered question that he had learned to live with but this, this was a hundred times worse. It was questions he didn’t know the answerers to, this was a blank page where he didn’t even know the questions too. He knew Lance had both the questions and the answers, but he wouldn’t tell him an a part of Keith didn’t want him too; if Lance told him what happened it wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t be his past, it would be Lance’s.

Still the atmosphere between him and Lance wasn’t weird, it was easy in fact. Easier than before they disappeared. There was no uncertainty, no stiffness, no unsteady foundation, no fragile trust and Keith didn’t know why that had changed. He guessed it was the as with phantom pains; while phantom pains where a memory in the body despite that your brain didn’t remember the pain, the same applied to phantom feelings, just because your brain didn’t remember, didn’t’ mean your soul didn’t.

However, the new-found easiness and trust made it easier for Lance to read him and so Keith tried to limit his time with Lance even though he didn’t want to. Sometimes, when he couldn’t sleep he missed Lance, like he would miss a limb, he could do without it, but he felt strange without it. He was tempted to go find Lance when he felt like that, but he knew Lance would probably be asleep and Keith didn’t want to impose on Lance’s self-time. So instead he lied awake, a thousand thoughts and questions running through his mind.

With Keith awake the team seemed to relax and now there wasn’t only the whispered conversations that ended when Keith entered to room, there was the discussions and plans created in the open, involving Keith and his opinions.  When the others went away to missions Keith stayed behind. Shiro and Lance seemed both uneasy with leaving Keith behind, but Keith reassured them that he would be fine. He spent most of the time in the training deck, or wandering the halls, trying to find some peace in his mind. It hadn’t been easy to know he didn’t have a place on the team anymore before he left for the Marmoras but now, knowing he was an affliction to the team, someone the took more than they gave, he wondered if they really wouldn’t be better of without him. Keith knew very well that the team was hiding something from him, he also knew whatever they knew had to do with those three months even though he knew from Shiro that Lance had not said a word about whatever had happened while they were gone. So, what could they be hiding that was so important that Lance had to tell the team, but not important enough to tell Keith? He didn’t even bother to try to get into the computer, knowing Pidge would’ve locked it in way that no one but her could figure out. So, he wandered the halls, and he trained, and he wondered if he ever had a place at all.

 

When he was alone he started to form a plan on how to get back into this war. It wasn’t easy when he had to keep it from the rest of the team. It was twice as hard as it needed to be as Lance and Shiro constantly checked up on him. The nights and during missions was really the only time he had a chance. If he could escape Coran during the missions that was. He had tried to convince Matt to let him fight with the Rebels but that had ended up with an very stern look and a “I’ll give you a chance to come to your senses on your own but one more time and I’m telling Shiro.”

 

It was past what, according to Pidges clock, 2 A.M. when he got the call. He turned the volume of the communications line and whispered through the conversation. The call was brief and concise and the minute he hung up, a mere five minutes later, he started to plan out the next day in his head with a feeling of security.

The next day he walked into to the dining hall later than usual and Lance turned around and started to tease him about sleeping in until he saw Keith in his suit and froze.

“…Keith?” So many questions lied in the single word.

Keith swallowed and forced himself to look up at the team.

“The Blade of Marmora needs my help.”


	8. Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait between updates but life is life at the moment. I hope you will stick around despite this. :*

 

The wound was just a pink streak across his shoulder when Lance woke up and he could move it with only a little pain involved. Lance didn’t know who was happier about this, himself or Keith. Sure, Keith didn’t say anything, but he smiled at Lance when he checked on the wound. He was back at bickering with Lance and he wasn’t beyond telling Lance he should actually help him rather than sitting around. Which, to be fair, Lance did, but he wouldn’t if he actually knew what to do. Keith seemed so at home in a planet he had never been on before or even heard of. He was confident and none of the previous worry showed now. Lance guessed that Keith found more safety in uncertainty as you didn’t have any expectations then; when you were in a secure situation you started to get comfy, you started to have expectations, routines; and when the unexpected happened you were thrown of from your centre and you lost your footing on solid ground. If you never walked on solid ground, there was no footing to lose. Lance wondered what it was like to find safety in danger, but danger in safety. He hoped he would never know.

Anyway, there wasn’t very much they could do. Or so Lance had thought when he woke up but instead of sitting idle, Keith ran around, disappearing into the woods for a while before returning empty handed and with a displeased look on his face only to disappear again shortly after his return. Lance didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know where to start. He had felt the same way when they had first been told they had a whole universe to save, that _he_ had a whole universe to save. Where do you begin with a task so vast, so unimaginable that you can’t see the end to it? Because that was the thing; Lance couldn’t see the end to it, so therefore he couldn’t see the start. So, instead of acting Lance sat paralyzed under everything that needed to be done. This, he thought, was why he had been the worst at turning in homework on time.

When that thought struck him, he had an idea. When he had been overwhelmed by homework his mother had sat him down had made him write a list of all the things that needed to be done. The list needed to be written down, he needed to have a visual list or it wouldn’t help. He found a stick and a piece of the ground that looked similar to sand. Okay so what did he need to do? Well first there was,

  1. Find shelter.



They had done that, there hadn’t been and attacks from wild animals or galra soldiers. They weren’t really protected from the weather but Lance thought they could fix that should it become an issue. It hadn’t been too cold last night and during the day it was humid and warm but still bearable. Lance guessed they were in some kind of jungle.

  1. Find food.



There was food, it tasted disgusting but it was food. It hadn’t even poisoned them yet.

  1. Find water.



They had water, at least Lance thought it was water, though it tasted a bit of iron and lemon.

  1. Find the others



Here Lance trailed off. How would they ever find out where they were, let alone where the others were? They were stranded on a foreign planet, with a limited supply of water, food and medicine, no way of contacting anyone and little to no hope of rescue. Oh, and let’s not forget, a heavily armed galra base that would sooner or later notice the missing supplies. Lance shook his head and went back to the list, what else was there to do? Oh, right,

  1. Keep Keith from risking his life for Lance again.



Well, talk about an impossible task. Maybe he could chain Keith to a tree? Nah, the bastard would probably cut himself free. Lance was sure Keith had more knives on his own person than Lance would ever find.

He remembered one time before Keith had gone off to the Blade of Marmora when they had gone to a space mall for a second time. He had been so excited about another video game and an ice-cream machine that he and Pidge had found that he completely forget about the others. That was, until they came back to the castle and he first took a look at Keith. The look on Keith’s face and made him forget all about the video game, the ice-cream machine and even Pidge who was standing next to him. Keith had looked as if he had found the holy grail. When Pidge, who hadn’t seemed to have the same trouble with speaking as Lance did, asked Keith what he had found he pulled out a knife. Of course, it had been knife, but it hadn’t been an ordinary knife. The knife was made out of some kind of stone, Lance guessed, or a metal not existing on earth. It was black, but when the light hit it had shined in all the colours of the rainbow. It looked the same way a spot of motor oil looked when it reflected sunlight. As Keith had moved it around when he talked about how he had gotten it, the blade left faint shimmer of rainbow after it. However, what really had struck Lance was the way the colours seemed to reflect on Keith’s face, not that Keith’s smile had needed any helping in shining. Lance remembered that he had been silent for the whole time and when they split up Pidge had elbowed him in the stomach and snickered.

“What are you smiling at?”

Lance had been so caught up in the memory he hadn’t heard Keith come back.

“Nothing.”

Keith gave him a strange looked before turning his back to him and started to rummage through their stuff.

“So, we have a better place of shelter a few hours from here. And the food should last us about a week. During this time, we need to come up with a plan of attack.”

“A plan of attack? What are we attacking exactly?”

“The galra base.” At Lance’s noise of protest Keith continued. “The smaller one, and it’s not as much attacking as it is breaking in.”

“And why would we do that?”

“… to get more supplies and food?”

“Why can’t we just live of what’s in the woods?”

“Because we don’t know what’s poisonous?”

The string of questions got more and more sweet in tone and passive aggressive but Lance couldn’t let go of his point.

“I’d know what’s poisonous!”

“On an alien planet? That you haven’t even heard of before?”

“Yeah! I have like a fifth sense for this.”

Keith groaned. “You already have five senses dumbass, you mean a sixth sense.”

“Whatever, it’s a sense. I’ll know what’s poisonous.”

“Fine, but you are eating everything before I do.”

 

They were still arguing when the first galra soldier came out of the woods.


	9. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith comes back from his mission with the BoM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo.. sorry for the long wait, i really had planned on updating this sooner, but then, well dad died so writing wasn't the first thing on my mind, i can't promise frequent updates just yet, but i will try my best <3

”You need to get into a healing pod, Keith.” Shiro said when Keith came back from Coran’s examination.

“No, won’t happen.” Keith didn’t know why he wouldn’t, why he couldn’t, but he knew that the mere thought of doing it had almost sent him into a panic. He couldn’t do this, he _couldn’t_ and they couldn’t make him unless they decided to knock him unconscious first. He said as much and for a second it looked like Shiro contemplated what the consequences for that would be, probably realising that if here was one way to drive Keith away from them, from Shiro, permanently that that would be it and decided against it. Keith could actually see the thought process in Shiro’s eyes, completely secure that Shiro would never make Keith do something against his will. Not when it came to things that mattered.

Keith had just come back from the mission with Blade of Marmora and it had ended badly, to say the least. They had tried to get information from a galra base and even thought Keith wasn’t briefed on _what_ kind of information they were extracting – which bothered him – he had understood that whatever the information was, it was important and that had been good enough for Keith. There had been some false information, a leak in the operation and they were caught in a trap. Keith didn’t remember much of what had happened, one second, they were shooting at some galra soldiers, the next Keith was lying on a floor on a deserted galra base, with people running all around him. He had crawled over to one of his comrades trying desperately to stop the bleeding to no avail. Keith had felt the moment his comrades heart stopped beating, and seen the life leave his body. He had looked around and realised what happened. His crew had set of a bomb, a self-destructive bomb designed to take out the information, as may of the enemy as possible – and themselves. Keith must’ve been the only one far enough form the blast, he had been the only survivor, he had called for backup through his miraculously still working com, and when no response came from the Blade of Marmora he had called for Voltron.

Lance had been the first to reach him, cursing loudly, and together with Shiro he had half supported half carried Keith back to the ship.

  

Now Shiro sighed in defeat. “You need to at least take a shower. You are covered in blood and sweat. On that note; whose blood is that?”

Now it was Keith’s turn to sigh, “At this point I don’t even know. Some of it must be mine”

“Well, if that isn’t the most disturbing sentence to come out of an eighteen-year old’s mouth ever I don’t know what. And anyway, how is he gonna shower with a broken arm, burns on his other arm, and burns all over his back, none of which he can get wet?” Pidge asked

“I’ll help him” Lance voice pipped up as he stood. “I’ll help you,” he said this time to Keith rather than the whole room. Keith felt a rush of affection and relief go through his body.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course”

Keith could feel Pidge’s eyes burn a hole in the side on his skull but he didn’t care, he was sticky, he stank and he was tired. A shower sounded really good, and he couldn’t do it on his own.

“Thanks”

“No problem, man”

“Lance?” Shiro spoke up.

“Yeah?”

“Be careful with his burns, getting them wet will hurt a lot.”

Lance contemplated that for a moment before looking to Allura. “We don’t happen to have trash bags anywhere?”

 

 

A few moments later Lance was standing in front of Keith, arms full of trash bags made out of something resembling plastic. Keith looked at them suspiciously.

“Is this your attempt to tell me I am garbage?”

Lance laughed at that. “No, these are for covering your burns and the cast. Reminding you that you are garbage for risking your life like that when we just got you back is for later”

Lance scanned his body and sighed. “You are not going to like this part...”

“Let me guess, this is the part where you tell me to undress.”

“Yeah. And you are going to need help with that.”

Keith frowned. “I think I am capable of taking off my own clothes.”

“Okay then, do so.” Lance wore his trademark smirk, the one he always used when he knew Keith was about to make a fool of himself.

Determined Keith grabbed for the hem of his shirt with his unbroken arm and tugged. He got it up, above is elbow and then it got stuck. He couldn’t raise his broken arm and it was hard to grip with the burnt one. He tugged again, and again and eventually lost his grip of the shirt. When he reached for it again a pair of hands stopped his.

“Let me help you, you, stubborn ass, instead of trying until you hurt yourself.”

Keith ignored him and tried again, and again. Eventually he gave up and looked at Lance with a pissed off expression.

“Ready to receive help now?” Keith just glared at him.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Lance said annoyingly cheerful but then sensing Keith’s uncomfortableness he put a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “There is nothing wrong with needing help, there is nothing wrong with asking for it, which you don’t even need to do because I’m offering. You are not weak Keith, especially not for needing help.”

“I know that but…”

“You _know_ but you don’t accept that it includes you. It’s okay you’ll get there.” Lance rubbed his shoulder for a second before realising what he was doing and dropped his hand. Keith immediately missed it. He knew he missed physical touch but ever since, well since he woke up, he longed for it so much he immediately missed it after some who had touched him let go. It could be as simple as now, just a hand on the shoulder, Pidge’s punches on his arm, Shiro ruffling his hair, Hunks reassuring hugs or Lance. Lance’s casual touches that hadn’t been there before they disappeared but that now were as constant and as natural as if they had always been there. The hand brushing against on the small of his back as a hello, the arm that slung casually around his shoulder, the hand that found his under the dinner table for a quick squeeze when Keith got anxious or worried. He didn’t know what had changed during the mission but he didn’t regret it. He liked that Lance was as comfortable touching him as he was with Pidge and Hunk, if in a slightly different way but Keith guessed that all friendships were different. Still he missed physical touch so much it hurt sometimes but he didn’t know how to ask for it. However, with Lance he rarely had to. Lance often touched Keith before even thought of it and Keith knew, somehow just _knew_ , that if he were to reach out for Lance someday, Lance wouldn’t back away or tease him for it. Something had changed between them on that mission and Keith wished with every beat of his heart he knew why.

“Hello? Keith? My man? Where’d you go?”

“I’m here, I’m here. Sorry just lost in thought.”

“No kidding, you were, like, completely gone there for a while. You had me worried man"

“I’m alright.”

Lance considered him for a moment longer, “If you say so.”

Keith was torn between huffing at Lance being so worried and wanting to reassure him, but how did he say that the reason he was out of it was because he had an enteral monologue about Lance touching him?

With Lance’s help he did, with only some effort and a little pain, get out of his clothes down to his boxers, which Lance insisted he keep on and honestly, Keith was relieved at that.  He watched as lance stripped out of his and then helped him into the shower.

“Okay let’s do this” Lance voice was upbeat and only slightly out of pitch.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please do comment, it keeps me going and it's always nice to feel like your hard work is appreciated, especially now <3


	10. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, this is a continuation of the last chapter as that was originally supposed to be only one. Enjoy!

Keith swallowed and nodded, more weirded out by the fact that it wasn’t weird, than by the fact that he and Lance was about to shower together. It had seemed, and still seemed, like the logical s conclusion. Which was the part that was strange to Keith. Shouldn’t he be more weirded out? More cautions? More _embarrassed?_ However, he felt neither cautions or embarrassed despite it being _Lance_ , it was more like he was neither of above because it was Lance, and Lance… Keith knew he would handle the situation well. Lance was just about to turn on the shower when he stopped himself, swore and stepped out of the shower.

“I almost forgot to cover your burns.” Keith stepped out of the shower again, with some effort and pain.

“Here give me your arms.” Keith stretched them out and Lance pulled out the trash bags and ripped them apart with some trouble. He took the pieces and carefully bound them around Keith’s arm and back with tape. When he was done he went several turns around Keith and tugged here and there to make sure everything was secure. Then they went in to the shower and turned it on. Keith prepared himself for inscrutable pain – what if the trash bags didn’t work? – but when the water hit him, all he felt was cold. Really, really cold. His face must’ve been hilarious with the way Lance laughed.

“Sorry, but the colder water is the easer it will be on your burns.” Keith hissed at him, and Lance laughed again. Keith wanted to bottle that sound and keep it around for rainy days.

When they had gotten Keith thoroughly wet Lance turned of the shower again, and looked, for the first time, distinctly uncomfortable. Keith couldn’t stop himself from why, out loud. Lance shrugged, “I’m not uncomfortable, I’m worried you’ll be. I had to do this before you know? We both did. Well not in a shower but- “

“And you are worried I’ll be uncomfortable because I don’t remember? I’ll be fine Lance, I wouldn’t have agreed to this otherwise.”

“Okay,” Lance smiled again.

He started with lathering Keith’s chest and legs, both keeping a steady conversation meanwhile. Again, it wasn’t weird. It felt natural, domestic even. When Lance moved on to lather himself he turned around and Keith couldn’t help himself from reaching out and touch the scar on Lance’s shoulder. Lance jumped in the air.

“Sorry, sorry! I was just… where did you get that?”

Lance wet quiet for a while, as if he was contemplating his options. “You know the laser shot I took to my shoulder? When we tried to escape in Red?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, there is nothing Altean medicine can do about scars, and we had limited medicine when we were gone.”

Keith reached out again and touched Lance’s chest. “How about this one?”

“Knife,” was Lance’s only reply, “and you shouldn’t ask questions, you know I can’t tell you”

“Please Lance. At least give me this. My whole body is full of questions, it doesn’t even feel like it’s my own.”

Lance expression soften but he remained firm on not telling Keith any further.

They finished the shower after that, and Lance, shaking from the cold, dressed Keith with shaking fingers.

 

 

They reunited with the team later, and Shiro was first up, to examine Keith’s wounds. He carefully turned over Keith’s arms, and looked pained. Keith waited for him, for the team to look its fill of him, of them looking and making sure he was still alive, still there with them. Lance never moved from his side, even when Pidge started teasing them about showering together. Again, Keith waited to feel embarrassed, but no such feeling came.

“Yeah because there is nothing weird about two guys, standing naked in a confined space; totally normal.”

“We wore our boxers, Pidgeon” Said Lance with an eyeroll and a voice that stated that that much was obvious.

She seemed frustrated at their lack of embarrassment at her teasing, but really, Keith didn’t feel weird about the whole thing. Keith breathed easier when he looked around the team. He was alive, they were alive, all was well.

 

Or it was until someone decided it was time to talk about the mission Keith had gone on. He explained, again, what had happened and this time he was met with fury – both at him and the Marmora’s. Mainly the Marmora’s. After some arguing back and forth Keith got tired, frustrated and pissed.

“I don’t get what the problem with me taking risks are. We all do, every day, and it’s not like I’ve ever died.

Lance, looking more pissed that Keith felt, got a dangerous gleam in his eyes, “actually, yeah, you have!”

The whole room went dead silent as the team stood frozen.

Then a soft “What the fuck?” was whispered into the air.


	11. Before

They barely had the time to grab Keith’s hard-earned packing before they, as one, started running. Lance didn’t know to where, he just followed Keith and hoped he had some clue of where they were going. Hoped he had a plan. Though logically he knew Keith wasn’t a planner, he was more of an act-on-impulse kind of guy while Lance liked to have a plan, or a route, or really any basic idea of what was going to happen. However now that wasn’t an option so he guessed he had to trust Keith’s gut – which would be a lot easier if he knew what it said but just as Keith wasn’t much of a planner he wasn’t much for informing other people of the plans he did have. If, you know, they could call them plans considering they were never really _planned_. Lance’s breathe was catching in his chest, his lungs heaved for air but when Keith reached behind himself to grab Lance’s hand and drag him along a little faster, Lance found new strength. It reminded him eerily much of the day they had gotten stuck here, running through the woods from the galra, Keith, ever quick on his feet, dragging an heavy breathing Lance behind him. Lance just hoped now one would get shot this time. Suddenly they were out from the woods and out on a field and Lance felt his shoulders sag, there was no way and nowhere to hide now. However, Keith smiled wide and dragged him into the field.

“What are you doing? We will be sitting ducks out there!”

“No, we won’t, look further ahead, there they plants are higher than both of us are tall.”

“And you don’t think that the galra will follow?” The question came out unnecessarily sarcastic for the situation, really.

“No, these plants are poisonous to the galra, the blade of Marmora cover their blades in their pollen sometimes, to make them even more deadly.” Keith threw a brilliant smile over his shoulder and dragged Lance into the fields. They barely made it to the higher plants before the galra started shooting at them, but by then they were a few feet away from safety. Once they were in the fields of the purple flowers Lance felt himself drag a deep breath and walked past Keith who had stopped short. After a few deep breathes he pushed at Lance’s back, “We need to move further in, they have trucks that can get in here should they feel the need to.”

Lance started this time, and lead them through the fields, feeling lighter than he had in days.

“Lance,” Keith panted after sometime.

“I know, I know, you are a genius. I’ll thank you later. For now, I’m just gonna breathe in the sweet relief of safety. I mean who thought a bunch of purple flowers would scare of some galra! Now we can just chill here until we figure out what to do next and – “

Lance felt himself ramble away, something he would mentally slap himself for later.

“Lance,” pant, “Lance,” pant, “Lance – “

“What you losing your breath there, buddy? Maybe you should do more cardio, huh? I mean it’s obviously impossible to get to _my_ level but – “

A loud thud behind him and Lance whipped around, bayard ready. Keith was kneeling on the ground behind him. Hand to is throat. Terrified Lance dropped his bayard and kneeled in front of him. Keith was paler than ever, his lips were blue, his eyes bloodshot, and his pupils were so huge Lance could barely see the iris.

“Keith what’s going on?”

“- poisoned”

“Poisoned? Poisoned? But you said this stuff was poisonous too galra only? And if you are affected why am I not – oh fuck, _you’re galra_! Keith you idiot!” Keith gave him a weak smile at that.

“Okay, we need to get you out of here now, like right now. What’s the way out?”

Lance realised he had two options now; leaving Keith and search for a way out or drag Keith along and hope for the best. As Lance absolutely didn’t want to leave Keith he dragged him onto his feet and started to run the best Keith could in a random direction that Lance could only hope was the right one.

Keith was falling more and more behind and his breathing got heavier and more staggered. Lance grabbed Keith’s had to give him something to hold on to. But Keith got slower, and sicker and eventually Lance had to wrap his arm around Keith’s shoulder and half support, half carry Keith has they stumbled forward. To make sure Keith stayed with him, and to see in just how bad condition Keith was in, he started talking to Keith, asking him questions.

“Why did you do it, you said you knew it was poisonous to the galra, and you know you are galra. So why?”

“Forgot- “

“You forgot you were galra? But just must have felt the effects earlier, they can’t have hit that fast, we got pretty far into the field before you fell over.”

“- save you.”

“Okay, yeah, great! We really need to work on your self-worth.”

Lance shook his head because he knew Keith saving him had nothing to do with whatever feelings Keith might have for him, if Keith considered them friends, but it had everything to do with the fact that Keith thought that everyone was worth more than him. It hurt Lance to know that someone he liked so much, couldn’t like himself too. Sure, Lance wasn’t the poster child for self-love and he never really thought he had a place in the team but he didn’t think he was expandable, which Keith seemingly thought of himself.

Keith became heavier and no matter how many questions Lance he couldn’t get an answer. Just when Lance started to give up completely he saw the end of the fields and the beginning of a forest. Lance could only hope there weren’t any galras there or that it was poisonous to them.

Then Keith fell down, dragging Lance down with him.

“No, no, no! Keith please, it’s there!” he pointed ahead of them, “please, I can’t carry you, please Keith please get up, only a few more steps. Please!” Keith looked up at him with unseeing eyes and nodded. Slowly, painfully slowly, they made their way out to the forest. Under the shade of the trees Keith dropped down to his knees and then to his stomach and stopped moving.

Frantic Lance searched through their stuff and found a syringe and a vile of something he immediately recognised. He shouldn’t use it. He had no idea what the consequences would be. He should just hope that Keith’s allergic reaction would pass.

He couldn’t. Lance knew Keith would die if he didn’t do something. He had to do it. He couldn’t let Keith die, not like this. Not ever if he could stop it. Lance injected the quintessence into Keith’s arm and waited for it to work only for Keith’s breath to stagger and stop.

_No! He couldn’t just stop breathing, Lance had gotten him the medicine in time, he had… Oh god what if the medicine had killed him?_

Determined not to let Keith die, he listened for a heartbeat and when he didn’t find one he swallowed the panic and began CPR. Lance saw tears slip down his face and land on Keith’s as time passed, but he never stopped trying to revive him. Just when Lance arms started to give out under him he felt Keith’s heartbeat under his palms and heard a staggering breath. Lance collapsed in tears on Keith’s chest, shaking with relief. He felt Keith’s breathes get more and more steady and knew he should move but couldn’t bring himself too. It wasn’t until he felt a hand card through his hair that he could catch his own breath.

“Keith?”

 


	12. After

“What the- “

“He- “

“-died?”

“and you- “

“What the hell, Lance?” Keith yelled.

“Shit! I was probably not supposed to tell you that, it wasn’t fair, you should’ve gotten the chance to remember it on your own and- “

“No, Lance, this is exactly the kind of thing you don’t keep secret!”

“I’m with Keith on this one, Lance,” Shiro said,” “If his heart stopped that could have severe medical after effects that we should’ve known before we put him in the healing pod.”

“Not to talk about you, Lance,” Allura joined in, “This is a horrible thing to carry on your own, and you wouldn’t have had to”

Hunk took a step towards Lance and Keith, who as usual when arguing had stepped so close to each other that they almost touched. “Yeah buddy, I know you probably blame yourself for it but whatever happened it wasn’t your fault”

“Oh, I don’t blame myself for it! I blame Keith! If Keith hadn’t been so stupid as to get dead in the first place we wouldn’t be here!”

“I think you are right about! Have you ever considered that if I hadn’t _none_ of us would be alive?” Keith didn’t know why he said it, maybe it was because he was being blamed for his own death, maybe it was because, despite what Lance said, Lance blamed himself, but the word spilled out and the minute they did it he knew it was true.

“You-, you-, you remember?”

“Not quite, I just know that I made a decision knowing it would fall out badly for me but also that it was our only shot of surviving”

“Well, you don’t get to sacrifice yourself for me, okay? I’m not some damsel in destress and your life is worth as much as the life of the rest of us, as my life!”

“I don’t believe I’m worth less!”

“Then _why_ did you go with the Marmoras knowing they don’t give a shit if you make it out alive?”

“Because, in case you have forgotten it, there is still a war to be won!”

“Winning the war isn’t worth anything if there isn’t anything left once we’ve won!”

Keith felt his anger bubble inside him and fizz out. It wasn’t that he suddenly understood what Lance meant. It was the opposite. All his anger was replaced with confuse.  What was his life compare to the freedom for billions of lives? His confusion must have shown, because Lance sighed and took a step back.

“You just don’t get it man, do you? You matter. Winning a war isn’t worth anything if we lose everything we fight for, everything we want to keep safe.”

“I don’t see how I play in to that. You all have your families safe back on earth!”

“And in space, _you are family_ , all of us are. I’ll buy that you didn’t understand that because you are as thick as tar in the head, but are you seriously going to try to make me believe that you didn’t know that Shiro, _Shiro,_ didn’t count you as family?”

Keith’s cheeks heated as he glanced over to Shiro who smiled at him, but who couldn’t hide the worry and the hurt underneath. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m sorry, I do count you all as family too, and Shiro I’ve already told you that as far as I’m concerned you are my brother.”

“Actually, now that you say it, it wasn’t to me you said that, it was a hologram”

“Wait, what?”

“You didn’t really think I would make you choose between your inheritance and us? And that I would just leave you hurt on the ground when you didn’t give up your only link to your past?”

“Well, you didn’t really leave me with much choice, was I supposed to just _know_ that it was a hologram? Was that really the next logical step?”

“I guess not.”

Keith smiled at that, knowing Shiro had only told him that to make him smile, to ease the tension in the air. It had worked partly, everyone was acting easier but there was still a heavy feeling in the air. Keith supposed the rest was wondering the same as him; what had really happened? What was the decision he had made? And why had he needed to make it?

Lance hovered around Pidge and Hunk as they performed some experiment on something, Keith couldn’t tell what, but he kept glancing towards Keith. Keith thought he knew that look, it was weary worried and pissed. It was the look his many different foster parents had had when he had had nightmares. Keith ducked out of the room and went to the control room to sit and stare at the sky. Something about the vastness of space made him feel better, always had, it made him feel at home. It made him feel less like a part of the universes only hope and more like a teenager. Because who was he compared to million and millions of years?

It was midnight according the Pidge’s clock when he went to bed. Sleep wouldn’t come easy and he tossed and turned. Eventually he gave in and turned over to the intercom in the wall and typed in the number to Lance. The signal went through, rung a several times and just when Keith was about to accept that Lance was asleep and that he was doomed for a sleepless night on his own, Lance picked up. Keith expected him to be sleep drunk or annoyed but instead it was Lance’s usual tone of voice that replied.

“Can’t sleep either?”

“No, its so weird. I keep tossing and turning as if I need to stay awake for something, and if I do sleep I wake up in the middle of the night in panic as if- “

“-as if you are searching for something? I know, I do the same. My guess is that it is because we took turns keeping guard when we were gone and now our bodies and subconscious are used to it. We _were_ gone for quite some time.”

“What am I waking up in the middle of the night searching for then?”

“I-“ Keith could actually _hear_ Lance blush on the other side and he realised.

“I’m waking up looking for you, aren’t I?” It wasn’t a question but Lance replied anyway.

“I guess we got so used to sleeping beside someone we are condition to it.”

“So, it’s your fault I can’t sleep!”

“As much as it is your fault that I can’t!”

They talked to way past four a.m. and after a long time of silence when Keith thought that Lance had fallen asleep and was about to cancel the call, Lance spoke up again.

“I know you don’t remember any details but… did you, did you, did you know when you did that thing that got you killed, did you know that it would kill you?”

“No Lance, I didn’t know it would kill me, I knew it would be bad for me, but I didn’t know it would kill me.”

There was a long silence again.

“Good. I mean it’s good that you didn’t know, that you didn’t make the conscious decision to die for me.”

There was an unspoken “this time” hanging in the air and the feeling of the call got weird all of a sudden. They both said goodnight and Keith laid awake for an hour wondering what and how much he had put Lance through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please consider reading my other Klance fanfic over at https://archiveofourown.org/works/13766751/chapters/31640109


	13. Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is anyone even still reading this fic? also i'm sorry this chapter is late + short but i haven't really been motivated as no one seems to read it.
> 
> if you do still read it please comment it, and even if you haven't anything else to say about the chapters in the future please comment something like "i'm still here" just please, every author needs some motivation sometimes

In hindsight, Lance was slightly embarrassed that he had let Keith come back to life with him sobbing on Keith’s chest. Even more embarrassed that he had wanted to stay there, not sobbing maybe, but with his head on Keith’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Preferably forever if Lance got to choose, if so only to make sure Keith’s heart was still beating, that Keith was still alive. Lance wished he had a mirror to check if his hair had gone white from stress, because all be damned that was the most distressed and scared Lance had ever been. He hoped it was the most he would ever be too, he didn’t think he would survive worse. Keith kept petting his hair and Lance felt bad, Keith had _died_ yet he was comforting Lance? There was definitely something wrong with that picture, but Lance couldn’t bring himself to move. Keith was alive, alive, alive and Lance wanted to kiss him. For surviving and not leaving Lance alone, for sacrificing himself for Lance, for being so stupid, for comforting Lance, for being _alive_.

It was a bad idea of course, because Keith didn’t feel that way, but Lance wanted to, and therefore he was safer of sobbing into Keith’s chest. Eventually he stopped crying though but he still didn’t move. Keith cleared his throat after a while and spoke.

“Are you okay dude? You seemed pretty bad there.”

“Am I? Am _I?_ Dude, you died. _Died._ I have never been less okay in my life, and neither have you.”

“I suppose not, but aside from suffocating it wasn’t all that bad. After a while it was like falling asleep when you are really exhausted.”

“Okay, okay, okay you are _never_ allowed to say those words again. Never. You dying is not “not all that bad”. It was horrible, and scary, and I swear I went white like Shiro. Please, please, please never pretend like that was okay, it was not. You are not allowed to sacrifice yourself for me.”

Keith drew a hand to Lances hair again. “You didn’t go white.”

“Keeeith” Lance drew out his name unnecessarily long but he needed Keith to listen.

“No, Lance”

“Yes, Lance. We are talking about this. What is up with you? Why don’t you care if you die? Because you really don’t seem to. You are so important Keith, to all of us, you are so loved”

“I’m not talking about this, it’s nothing. You are imagining things, I am fine.” Keith pushed off Lance and stood up.

“Keith please.”

Keith didn’t even reply but started going through their stuff and Lance felt something seething inside of him. One day Keith would have to listen, and not only listen but speak up, if so Lance had to chain him up to a tree and leave him there with no food or water until he talked.  Instead he helped Keith pack up the things he had thrown out in a frenzy looking for something to save Keith with. Which worked out well until Keith found the empty syringe that had contained quintessence.

“What is this? Lance what is this?” Keith’s voice was calm, scary calm and Lance swallowed. He knew from home that while yelling was bad and hurt, calmness, the scary calm anger, was the worst.

“Lance please, please tell me you didn’t use this to save me, please tell me you didn’t take that risk.”

“I couldn’t let you die!”

“You know what happened to Zarkon, why would you risk that?” Still in that scary calm voice

“It was a small dose, it won’t turn you evil!”

“Well we have no knowledge of what happens when you _inject someone with it!_ Anything could happen, you shouldn’t have taken the risk.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have take the risk of running in to a poisonous field just to save me!”

“I had to save you”

“And I had to save you! I had to, I had to, I-“ to Lance’s horror he felt tears build up in his eyes. “I had to save you, I couldn’t let you die, I couldn’t let you die, you deserve better, so much better than that and-“ now the tears spilled over and Lance choked on a sob. “I don’t know how to survive here without you…” The last word came out as whisper.

Keith’s face softened, and to Lance surprise he walked up to him and wrapped his arms around him tightly. Lance buried his face in Keith’s neck and for the second time in less than an hour he sobbed into Keith.

“I’m sorry Lance, I’m sorry for risking my life, I’m sorry for almost leaving you alone, I’m sorry”

Lance just wrapped his arms around Keith tighter and cried harder until he felt himself being moved around. He lifted his head and looked at Keith. They were swaying side to side as Keith lead them around in a circle.

“What are you doing?”

“Dancing with you.”

“But, why?”

“In one of my many foster homes, there was this girl and she had a girlfriend and every time that girlfriend was over, and my foster sister cried, and she cried a lot, her girlfriend would dance with her to distract her and cheer her up. It always worked, and as we shared a room I used to watch them and one day they taught me how to dance, so I too could cheer up someone someday.”

Lance found nothing better than “okay” to say and therefore leaned his head onto Keith’s shoulder again as Keith lead them around in a slow pace. How could he not have a crush on Keith when he did things like this? This was miles away from the Keith the had known at first and there seemed only to be miles and miles more of Keith’s personality and past that Lance hadn’t know or considered were there.

They danced for what seemed like forever, but it still hadn’t been long enough in Lance’s opinion when Keith let go and said that they better go back to packing.

Lance felt like he was walking around in a dream and when they had finished packing and started to look for a new place to hide out, far away from galra and poisonous plants, Lance started to reach for Keith’s hand and just barely managed to stop himself before he finished that action.

The walked in silence and at the same time Lance looked at Keith in a whole new light and with a whole new admiration, nothing between them had change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most romantic things i have ever written and i am having a small identity crisis here


	14. After

The late-night calls between them became a habit. It became something Keith looked forward to, something that got him through the days. It felt as if those hours with Lance on the intercom gave him back a missing piece. He supposed three months of late-night talks would create a habit. It scared him though. What would happen when Lance got enough of him, got enough of all of his broken? It had been a long time since Keith had let himself get used to something, get used to someone, get comfortable with a habit, a routine. Routines were dangerous. They brought comfort as long as they worked, but when they didn’t you lost your ground and there was nothing Keith hated more than losing his footing. He preferred always being imbalanced than finding comfort in something that he could and would lose. Still he couldn’t help but create a routine with Lance, help but finding comfort in knowing Lance was there. And he decided maybe Lance would be worth losing balance for. Maybe it would be worth it to losing ground when Lance decided Keith was too much or not enough if he got to have this with Lance now.

It wasn’t all great though, during the days Keith was on edge and anxiety drummed through his body. He was jumpy, saw shadows in the corner of his eye and felt as if he was waiting for something to happen, something bad, something unpredictable. Shiro had noticed and tried to talk to Keith about it but Keith just dismissed Shiro with an “I’m fine.” He didn’t know how to talk to Shiro. He _should_ know how to talk to Shiro, he had always been able to talk to Shiro, had thought he would always be able to. The fault didn’t lie with Shiro, it laid with Keith. He felt out of his body and a million years away everything they talked. He felt as if Shiro wouldn’t understand which was pure bullshit because who had a better chance of understanding than Shiro, the only other one with post traumatic caused amnesia? Still Keith couldn’t talk to him. And it wasn’t only that he felt that Shiro wouldn’t understand but also that he felt, well, he felt ashamed. Partly over not being able to talk to Sho irbut mainly there was this underlying feeling of shame, as if he had done something really bad only he couldn’t remember what. Which probably was the case Keith mustered. Phantom feelings were a bitch. Not only had his and Lance’s relationship changed so drastically that it gave him a whiplash, but he also carried around fear, shame, and anxiety over things he couldn’t remember. It was frustrating to say the least. But there was nothing Keith could do about it. He couldn’t, _wouldn’t,_ talk to Shiro about it. Lance was out of the question, he was burdened enough by not only going through the same trauma but also being the only one who remembered. He was even more incapable of talking to someone out of the own restrictions he had drawn up out of respect for Keith’s privacy.

If Keith couldn’t talk to Shiro about it, or Lance, there was no one else he could turn to. Turning to someone else would feel wrong, like he was betraying Shiro by finding the security he had lost with him with someone else. Still, one lazy day when the team was out on a diplomatic mission, he found himself wandering around the castle looking for Coran.

Keith found him cleaning the healing pods and he picked up a wash cloth and started cleaning the nearest pod. Coran eyed him but soon turned and continued cleaning the pod. They cleaned the pods without speaking, and the silence was comfortable but still it held a weight. The kind of weight when you waited for something. When they were finished with the pods Coran put down the bucket and stood there looking at Keith. Keith furiously ignored him by scrubbing the already clean pod. He scrubbed and scrubbed until his skin started to flake and he would’ve kept going had Coran not put his hand on Keith’s shoulder.

“What is it boy? What’s weighing your heart down”

Keith didn’t plan on answering, or maybe just answer with an “I’m fine” he hoped would be convincing. Instead out came the words putting Keith’s fear into reality.

“Did, did I ever have a place here?”

Coran looked anything but surprised at the question and Keith’s heart sank. However, Coran didn’t say anything, and Keith felt the words bubble up his throat again.

“I mean, everyone has this place in the team, Allura is the heart, Lance is the soul and sharpshooter, Pidge and Hunk make up the brain and Shiro is the leader. I’m just the fuck up who keeps putting us in danger. After Shiro went missing I was just a substitute for someone else, everyone else adapted to the lion change and Allura progressed faster than anyone else, Lance piloted Red with much more sanity and calmness than I ever did. When Shiro came back it was clear that the team was better off without me and, well, I realised I had just been a stand in until someone else came along, someone better, someone more qualified. I was better off with the Marmoras, there I had a place, but I didn’t fit in there either. I cared too much, or was too reckless, or chose my feelings over the mission. I was just fighting a war from the only other angle I knew how to, but I was never really a part of them. And then I go missing for three months and everyone treats me like a glass doll when I come back. I’m just a burden to the team, someone they need to worry and take care of, and I don’t contribute with anything. Everyone has their role in this team, everyone is needed, everyone but me. I’m just the loner, the outcast, the one not needed. And I, I just wish I could belong somewhere for once”

“Keith,”

Coran kept a natural face as he sat down on the floor and motioned for Keith to do the same.

“Keith, if you feel that way we have failed you, I have failed you as an advisor and an adult. Listen to me when I say this. You always had a place, you always will have, this is more than a team; it’s a family and in a family, everyone matters. And if you ever doubt your place here, remember that you are Red’s paladin. You may not pilot her, but you are still her paladin. I have never seen a bond as strong as the one you have with her, she found you miles away in space, she almost crashed the Marmora base when she sensed that you were in danger. You will always have a place here, you always had one. Nothing will change that. And if you feel underappreciated with the Marmoras, don’t go back to them. It’s not the only angle you can fight this war from. You are not useless, and you are worth more than just sacrificing yourself for the cause. A war isn’t worth winning if there is nothing left once it’s done.”

Keith looked up at him and felt shame rise in him along with relief. “You know about Naxzela.”

Coran gave him a confused look. “Naxzela? What happened at Naxzela?”

“Oh,” Well fuck, Keith thought, apparently the team didn’t know about that. How would he avoid telling them now?

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s nothing to worry about,” Keith forced a smile.

Coran looked unconvinced but smile back and patted Keith on the back. “Well then boy, I hope you won’t doubt your place in this family much more. I know it’s not easy to let go of insecurities and worries but I hope you can take something out of this conversation that will help you feel low”

Coran stood up, “Now I have to check up on the teleduv, but I’m always here when you need to talk”

Keith sat there frozen and it wasn’t until Coran was at the door that he found his voice again.

“Thank you, Coran, thank you for listening”

“That’s what I’m here for boy, that and to bring up the beauty levels of this team”

Keith smiled at that at the same time as he thought that Lance and Coran must spend too much time together. It was probably good for them both though.

 

When the team came back form the meeting they sat down to eat dinner, but Keith’s anxiety spiked again. The team seemed so knit together and Keith could figure out how he fit into that. He was just about to leave before he had even finished because he couldn’t stand feeling so out, when Lance reached form Keith’s fisted hand underneath the table, loosened it up and intertwined their fingers. Lance didn’t say a thing, but the unspoken words ringed in Keith’s anyway.

_Don’t go, I want you here, you belong here._

Keith sat through the rest of the dinner biting back a smile.

It was when he had hung up after his and Lance’s night call that it hit Keith. If Coran didn’t know about Naxzela, what had inspired his speech about Keith not sacrificing himself? What had Keith done?


	15. Before

After Keith had died you’d think things couldn’t possibly get worse. You’d think karma or the universe or whatever would give them a break, or hey, even be on their side as they, you know, were trying _to save the universe_. But no, why would things go their way, because when did they ever? Lance focused on Keith’s back as he stumbled after him and grumbled about their bad luck. The poisonous flowers turned out to be everywhere, they had almost run into three different groups of galra soldiers, it had started to get cold. Lance was shivering, and he couldn’t help but noticing that the skies had grown very dark and who knew what storm clouds meant on this planet. Lance supposed he could always hope for rain.

They kept on walking in silence and Lance wished they would talk, maybe then the feeling that something was about to go very wrong would be a little quieter. Suddenly it started to get windy, like really windy, then the ground started to shake and then it started to rain. At first Lance smiled happy too feel the coolness against his cheeks. That was, until he noticed it wasn’t cold. The rain burned his skin and when he looked down he noticed that whatever was falling on him started to burn holes in the ground.

“Acid!” Keith called out. “It’s raining acid! We need to find shelter _now_. Put on your helmet and cover up any skin!”

They were running uphill stumbling over the shaking ground as the world grew darker. Then they hit a wall. Not a literal wall but in front of them there was a thick mist quickly making its way to them.

“Let’s not, let’s not go into that” Keith said swallowing.

“Yeah let’s not.” If the rain was acid Lance had no desire to walk into a mist that would probably not be any less lethal.

They changed direction as they acid rain became heavier and heavier and the ground shook worse. Lance could barely see a foot in front of himself when Keith stopped and reached for Lance’s hand.

“Don’t lose me”

Lance nodded and absentmindedly thought that he and Keith had held hands a lot lately. It was never romantic, always because they were in danger, but it didn’t do good things for Lance’s heart either way.

The earth shook again and this time it knocked them of their feet, and then the very worst part yet, the ground started to slide underneath them. Lance’s heart flew up to his throat and he looked at Keith, eyes wide with fear. The mudslide was pulling them down in terrifying speed and pulling them apart as well. Keith fumbled after Lance’s other hand and just as he reached it they hit a tree. Lance hear the horrible sound of bone breaking and he heard Keith scream as they were torn apart. Lance soon lost sight of him and as he slid further and further down, the mud raised higher and higher around him and soon the world went dark.

 

 

Lance woke up in a panic. Everything around him was weighing him down. He could barely move. Forcing himself to calm down he started moving limb by limb just as Keith had told him to and soon he was fighting through the mud. He wondered how he was still breathing, until he remembered that he was still wearing the helmet. It must have provided hm with oxygen as well as kept the mud out. He hoped that Keith’s mask had done the same for him. It was still raining heavily and as Lance stumbled around looking for Keith he noticed that the rain had started to burn holes in his suit. He swore and hoped he would find Keith soon, so they could find shelter. After searching for along time he stumbled upon a Blade of Marmora mask and his heart sank. What were the chances of Keith surviving without it? They really weren’t good, he decided and sped up his search for Keith. It wasn’t until the rain started to burn a hole in his helmet and he realised that if he stayed out on the rain longer he would go blind, or get severe acid burns. He swallowed once, looked around in panic for any sign of Keith and then made the hardest decision he ever had to make; he left. He left for the woods and the shelter under the trees and he prayed that Keith had survived and that he also made his way to the woods. He hoped he hadn’t signed Keith’s death by leaving the mudslide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short but i had no idea hot to fill it out and i wanted it to end like it does. You all know i love cliffhangers XD


	16. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This didn't turn out nearly as angsty as i wanted it to but, have it i guess. Quoting my friend; "Maybe Keith doesn't want to be sad anymore"

Keith had nightmares. He had nightmares of being buried alive. Of choking on his own lungs, of not being able to move. It came to the point where he no longer when he tried not to stay awake and only napping for short moments at the time to avoid falling into the nightmares. Confided spaces scared him and made his heart contract. At least he knew why he couldn’t go into a healing pod, and he wondered if he’d ever be able to handle one of those again.

As soon as he and Lance hung up at night he would get up. He would wander the hallways and sit and stare at the stars. He still loved the stars, still loved space, no matter how much he had lost to it. He had gained so much from it too and that’s what he tried to think of when he sat there, all those sleepless nights. It was not until after four days of staying awake that he passed out in his bed out of pure exhaustion.

It started the minute he closed his eyes. He was back as soon as he fell asleep. Back in the mud, and stone with pain throbbing in his arm and a horrible weight on his arm. He dreamt of trying to kick to the surface, he dreamt of calling out of Lance, he dreamt of drowning. He dreamt of being buried alive with Lance name dying on his lips as his mouth filled with mud.

He woke up screaming. He had never done that before. No matter how bad his nightmares got he never screamed. He woke up shaking, with a feeling of being crushed and with phantom pains but never screaming. He guessed he had trained himself not to scare the others. This time he would have had to though, there was no way they wouldn't have heard that scream, so Keith sat up in bed, put his head in his hands and tried to calm his breathing. He didn’t want to be hyperventilating when they got here; this was humiliating enough as it was. He had clamed his breath within seconds, a perk of having had his fair share of panic attacks he supposed and sat up in bed with his head leaning on the wall.

First one in was Shiro, which on one hand made no sense as his room was the furthest away, but on the other had made the most sense. Shiro had always been the first at Keith side when he was scared or hurt or wounded. Often the only one too. But not this time, next in was Lance, then Allura, Hunk, Pidge and last Coran. They looked at him with worried eyes and when Allura reached out her hand to comfort him and he instinctively recoiled the worried looks grew. Except for Lance and Shiro. Shiro took Allura aside to explain to her that you should never touch Keith after a nightmare, or during a panic attack. That it wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t known, and that Keith would be okay. Lance stepped closer to Keith and sat down on the bed.

“I’m not gonna touch you, okay? I’m not gonna touch you. I’m just gonna reach over to you and pull up the blanket because you are shivering. Okay?”

Keith nodded, and Lance reached over and did as he said he would. When he was done she stood up from the bed to let Shiro take his place. Shiro examined Keith face with his eyes and nodded solemnly.

“It wasn’t one of the usual ones was it?” Keith wanted to reply that this was the usual now. But he didn’t want to admit that the nightmares where reoccurring. So instead he just shook his head.

Shiro thought for a second before looking around and said. “Have you gone nonverbal Keith?”

Keith didn’t know so he tried to from his thoughts in to line and speak but nothing happened, so he nodded. It was embarrassing enough that he had had nightmares but now he couldn’t even speak. It wasn’t the first time he reminded himself. It was normal. It was okay, he’d be okay.

“Okay.” Shiro said and there was a pause. “Do you want us to leave?”

Keith shrugged.

“Then we’ll stay until you feel better”

And that they did. Keith focused on his breathing and the voices of his friends flooding over him as they told stories he didn’t pay attention to. He couldn’t hang on to concertation for that long so instead he let their voices wash over him and wash him clean of the mud and stone and dirt from his nightmares. From his past. He closed his eyes and did what Shiro had taught him so long ago. He focused on one thing. One single thing. A noise, a smell a colour, a taste, a texture, anything, but just one thing. He found Lance’s voice speaking slightly lower than the others and he clung to it. It felt like comfort, it felt like home. He sat like that for who knows how long, reclining against the wall with his eyes closed, lips curved into a small smile as he drowned himself in Lance’s voice.

A hand on his shoulder and his eyelids fluttered open. Shiro was smiling at him.

“Keith?”

“Yes?”

Shiro’s smiled widened.

“Goodnight.”

Slowly everyone retreated and left Keith alone again.

They took the calm and comforting feeling with them when they closed the door and soon Keith was fighting a panic attack

That’s when he heard some rustling and a thud outside his door. Then someone knocked, and Lance called out through the door.

“Open up buddy”

Confused Keith did as he was told only to be met with a huge mattress.

“Help me get this through the door, would you?” And out of pure befuddlement Keith did.

Once the mattress was placed next to Keith’s bed he started at Lance in bewilderment.

“What? You thought I would leave you to deal with your nightmares alone?”

_Yes?_

“Okay! Great! Well then, goodnight.”

He turned of the light and Keith stood there staring into the darkness as Lance curled up on his newly moved mattress.

“Keith? Goodnight means going to bed.”

“Okay.” Was Keith’s only reply as he curled down under the covers.

_Okay._

 


	17. Before

Lance waited and waited, guilt and fear building in his chest with every passing hour until it finally stopped raining. He was clutching Keith’s mask in his hands as he stood up. At first the all familiar feeling of uselessness overwhelmed him. What would he do? What _could_ he do? There were too many options and at the same time not enough. Or, there were too many possibilities of what had happened to Keith and no arrow pointing straight to him. Lance sunk back into the ground, hopelessness washing over him. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this without Keith. He didn’t know how to survive without him here, he didn’t want to learn how to survive without him at all. Keith had become so important to Lance. Keith hadn’t become his way to breathe, but Keith had become the one who taught him how to, to breathe even when he didn’t want to. It had become so simple; if Keith could keep going with Shiro, his only family, gone, then Lance could keep going without his. If Keith could keep fighting a war without being with the team, Lance could fight it without having Keith on the team. If Keith could keep breathing after everything, so could Lance. If Keith could: Lance could. In the beginning it had been about rivalry, then it had become about being worthy, then it had become about being equal. In the end it had been about breathing, on focusing on breathing no matter what happened. Breathing, because Keith had taught him how to, even if he didn’t know it.

So, breathe he did, and stood up and shook of the worst of the tremors. He could do this, and even if he couldn’t _, he had to_. He had to, for Keith. Whether that meant finding Keith (god, he hoped he would) or if it meant to keep going without him (he really hoped he wouldn’t have to) he would do it. He readied his bayard, checked his surroundings and walked out of the woods.

He searched and searched, dug through the mud and sticks and fallen trees in any sign of Keith. None where found. He had worked himself dangerously far out onto an open field and naturally – because why would things ever go his way? – he heard footsteps approaching. There was nowhere to hide. Only an open field, the woods too far into the distance and a river behind him.

_A river_.

That might save him, that might be how he could survive this. Hunched over he ran as quietly as he could over to it. He tested the water with a stick to make sure it wasn’t acid, and when he confirmed that it wasn’t he sank down in it. Almost immediately the footsteps came so close they would see him and that’s when he let his head sink under the water as he held his breath. The footsteps stopped before the river, Lance heard the two galra soldiers talk to each other before stepping down into the river themselves, in order to cross it. Lance held his breath as they walked passed. Then, still under water he swam into the tall grass, and there he resurfaced for air.  

He kept an eye at the soldiers before he rose from the water and stepped out of the river. It was to dangerous to stat out here in the open. But how would he keep looking for Keith otherwise? He hadn’t found his way to the same woods Lance had or Lance was sure they would’ve found each other. If he was out there in the field… without his mask… well then, there wasn’t anything Lance could do. No matter how much he wanted to. Even if Keith was in there, alive by some miracle, Lance would never find him in time to save him. He had to focus his energy and hope on the woods on the opposite side of the field. Maybe Keith had made it there. Keith would’ve made it there. Lance was breathing and so would Keith. Keith could just not give up his side of that bargain. He would be breathing, and Lance would find him.

It took Lance the whole day to cross the muddy field by foot and he dreamily thought of Blue, or Red who both could’ve flown him there in seconds. It was already dark when he arrived and as he didn’t want to run into galra soldiers in the woods or some kind of nocturnal animal he forced himself to put off the searching until morning. Most of their supplies had disappeared with the mudslide but he still had some food and water. He sat down for a solemn dinner. He realised then that in those two years he had spent in space (if Pidges calculations where right) he had never eaten dinner alone. That small little detail made him feel more alone than anything else. When he had eaten he leaned against a tree and closed his eyes, grateful for the temperature regulator in the suit that kept him warm.

 

There were the sounds of twigs being broken and crushed leaves and too late Lance realised what that meant. His bayard was out of reach and suddenly there was someone at this back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry (again) that it is so short, but i have stuff planned i promise!  
> and does anyone wanna see what happnens from ketih POV?  
> Either way, have a lovely day and please comment. it keeps me going even when i'm not motivated!


	18. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ho boy have i've been dying to write this chapter. time for some quality Hunk & Lance bonding, cause dude do we need more of that.

 

Hunk was worried. He was worried about his best friend. Lance was wilting. He was wilting and crumbling under the pressure of keeping up a face and under the weight of what had happened, not only to Keith but to Lance as well. Hunk wished he could get Lance to tell him, but he knew that there was more to it than Lance said. Lance wouldn’t talk about it only out of fairness to Keith. Hunk knew Lance well, he recognised how Lance acted when he was scared, genuinely scared, and how he refused to talk about the things that scared him. Because as long as he didn’t talk about them, he didn’t have to think of them.

Hunk cornered Lance in his own way, lured him into the kitchen late at night with promises of food and when he had gotten comfortable Hunk confronted him about his concerns.

“Lance, _please_.”

“No,” Lance was firm in this. He wouldn’t budge an inch on not telling Hunk about those three months.

“Lance, we saw Keith’s scars – and he has many of them – and I’m worried about which ones you have. Whatever happened to you two really fucked you up. And not only Keith, no matter how much you like to pretend that you are fine. I can’t imagine what you went through, but you can’t just carry it inside, it will break you eventually.”

“You don’t know Hunk, you just don’t know all that happened, how bad it was – “

“Because you won’t tell me!”

“– you cannot understand what we went through, what Keith went through, how bad I screwed up. I mean the things they did to him, the things he did for me, how he saved my life, in the big ways like taking beatings and risking his life to save mine and small ways like keeping me sane and comforted and secure when I felt as if I was losing my mind all alone there. How he listened to me and made me feel like somehow, we’d get out of there alive. How he made it worth it when we thought, when we knew, we wouldn’t. All the things he told me. All the things I told him. And I love him. I love him so much, you cannot imagine. It only amplified when we were gone, it was like I was put in front of this Keith, that was so much more than the one I thought I had known, so much more _Keith_. And then I lost him and now he doesn’t remember anything, and I can’t talk to him about it. I can’t thank him or discuss with him or yell at him. I just can’t _talk to him._ And we spent three months together with no one else to talk to, and in many ways, he became my best friend – no offence Hunk, it is in a different way, no one could ever replace you – and I’ve lost that now and I feel like I can’t breathe without it. Without him. Like okay, we talk now, more than before, and we share a room, and he reaches out for me as much as I do for him. I have him, but I don’t _really_ have him, he is there, just out of reach and I’m dying to just pull him in, to tell him everything, to have him remember. He looks at me differently, but he doesn’t know why, I can see the confusion in his eyes. I’m dying because he doesn’t know. Nor do I, or I know why he looks at me differently, but I don’t know _how_ he looks at me now. What kind of different he looks at me. And when he finds out. What if he hates me, I mean he risks his life for me in the blink of a heartbeat but what if he hates me for not being more careful, for letting him risk his life so far that he lost _everything_. He lost three months, that a quarter of a year but that’s not the worst part. He lost so much of himself and he changed, and he doesn’t know why or how he changed and I can only imagine how hard that is. How do you cope with waking up one day, as a completely different person than you were when you last remembered?”

Lance voice broke and to Hunks horror he started crying. Angry, hopeless, frustrated sobs. Lance hid his face in his hands when the tears started to stream. Hunk stood frozen for a while. Then he stepped forward.

“You want a hug buddy?”

Lance nodded and with hands still covering his face he stepped into Hunks embrace.

“You are right Lance, I don’t know, I just don’t know, but I’m here for you. I’m not sure how you screwed up, or if it is a misunderstanding or your insecurities speaking. I know he did a lot of things for you, and I’m eternally grateful for them all as they brought you back alive, but I sincerely doubt he’ll hate you for them. He loves you – “

“Hunk – “

“I’m not saying in what way, because I don’t know, even Keith doesn’t know. But he loves you. He loves you so much, and I don’t think he’d ever hate you.”

“You don’t know Hunk, you don’t understand – “

“You are right, I don’t, and I don’t think I ever will, but I know this. Keith loves you, in some way, and whatever happened between you, what ever happened to you, you will get through it. Both of you. Because you two are the strongest people I know. You will survive this, no matter how much you feel like you are drowning right now. And even if you can’t talk about what happened, and I understand now that you can’t, you are too scared of what happened, too ashamed of some parts of it, and too careful about others. Even if you can’t talk about any of that, you can still talk to me. If it is about you being in love with Keith, I promise I will listen to how much you hate his stupid mullet or how beautiful his eyes are, or how brave he is, or whatever. I will listen, without complaining once. You got me, through thick and thin, you got me. No matter what. You are not alone in this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Please comment as i'm a little unsure how many people are interested in this still. either way, if you read this, i adore you, if you comment i love you, and i hope you have a great day.


	19. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the mudslide, from Keith's pov.

Keith was having a rotten day. There was no other way to describe it. Drowning in mud wasn’t fun. Getting your arm broken wasn’t fun. Losing Lance was definitely not fun. The mudslide had carried him a long way from where he and Lance had lost grip of each other. If Lance was lucky and had stop his journey earlier than Keith, he’d have landed in the woods Keith had saw passing by. He hoped Lance had been lucky. It would take ages for them to find each other again but at least then Lance would be safe. And alive. Keith prayed he was alive. The acid rain was getting heavier, he was caught in an open field and he had lost his mask. Which meant that he also couldn’t communicate with Lance in anyway, aside from getting most of his face burnt off. He ducked his head and guarded it with his arms as he ran in the only direction possible. Towards the shacks in the end of the field. He knew they were galra. He knew it was dangerous. But what choice did he have? He couldn’t stay out there, or he would lose his eye sight. He reached the shack and found it empty. The relief of getting out of the rain without running in to galra had him kneeling over. He spent a few moments there on his knees, chest heaving for air as he felt the panic replace the relief. He didn’t where Lance was. He didn’t know in what condition Lance was. _He didn’t know if Lance was alive._ He couldn’t breathe. He needed to breathe. He had to breathe. He had to find Lance.

But to find Lance he had to wait. Wait out the rain and then somehow, track down Lance. Keith didn’t want to wait but there was nothing else he could do. Despite what everyone said, he could wait. He knew how to wait. He had done his fair share of waiting and enduring in his life. He had endured his foster homes and waited for them to change. He had waited for Shiro to come back, he had waited for the right moment to leave to the Blade of Marmora. He had endured teams seeming disinterest in him. He had waited for them to ask him to come back. Waited for them to care. Endured that they didn’t. He had waited so many times just to see if he would survive. But this was worse. There was nothing to do but wait there was nothing he could do to speed up time or distract himself and there was no end to the waiting in sight. Even if it stopped raining soon, there was no telling how long it would take for him to find Lance. It’s not like he hadn’t known how much Lance meant to him. Lance was the one he was closed to in the team aside from Shiro. Lance had been there for him when Shiro disappeared. More than anyone else was. Sure, Keith hadn’t always liked Lance, but he had grown on Keith. The quick smiles, and jokes, the way he lifted the spirit of everyone in the room. Lance was important. A very important part of Keith’s life, and though he was unsure what part he played in Lance’s that didn’t matter. What mattered was that Lance was safe and happy. And if Keith could keep him that way, or at least safe – he had never seemed to be able to make Lance happy – that would be enough for Keith.

He had missed Lance when he was gone with the Marmoras and he missed Lance now. Lance kept him stable, calm, sane, kept him human. Keith hadn’t been surprised when he found out he was galra. He really hadn’t. Since he got it confirmed aliens existed, he knew that’s what he was. When he found out what the galra were, when he fought against them the first time, he knew, a part of him knew. But from that point he had lost a little of what it meant to be human he thought. Or he had lost what part of him was meant to be human. He didn’t know how to be human and galra, and it didn’t seem possible to go back to being just human. Lance helped though. He helped Keith feel human, if so only by the instant relief Keith felt when he was with Lance and by the tightness in his chest when Lance was around.

He heard the sounds behind him, had expected them at some point, and turned around to fight. Only to see a gas can on the floor. This would be a fair fight. It wouldn’t even be a fight, Keith thought before he passed out.

Yes, he was having a real rotten day, Keith thought a while later, when the first knife cut into his bare chest. He hung from the ceiling in cuffs clamped around his wrists and he was stripped down to the pants of his undersuit. A real rotten day, there was no other way to describe it.


	20. After

A month had passed now and Keith finally had gathered the courage to dress off to his boxers and stand in front of a mirror. It wasn’t a pretty sight. His legs where relatively spared. A cut there, a burn here, some well healed stab wounds. He almost sighed at his own resign over the scars and how quickly he recognised what they were even without his memories. It wasn’t the first time he did this. Sometime his brain simply seemed to take a step back and let him look objectively at himself. That wasn’t a pretty sight either.

He was careless, reckless, fearless, all the less. He was sometimes outright stupid in his wish to protect other people (or fight, if he were honest). He tried to shield himself from the pain of losing people by simply not... having people. That didn’t mean he didn’t care, he simply cared too much. But without ever letting someone care for him. Shiro had been the exception and look where that got him. Not only had he lost him, three times now, but he had hurt him. A lot. He knew that when he looked at him. How would he ever let Shiro in again when he had hurt him so badly? When he had brought him so much pain? All he ever seemed to bring people was pain.

The self-refection started to get a little too uncomfortable, so he turned his attention back to his body. And winced.

If his legs where relatively spared his chest... wasn’t. There were cuts of different depts and burns of various sizes. All badly healed. He bet his sword on that a lot of them hadn’t been fully healed when he was put in a healing pod. He poked his broken arm and a flash of pain surged his body. And he screamed.

Again.

Keith was getting tired of screaming out of pain. It wasn’t as fun or reliving as screaming out of anger. It just sucked.

Shiro was at his door in a second. Seriously where they taking turns hanging around his room waiting for him to embarrass himself?

Keith got up to his feet again and glared at Shiro, who held up his hands in mock defence.

“I come in peace.”

“Call the others off before I have you all gathered here again,” Keith said sourly. And Shiro opened the door and yelled, “He’s fine,” then turned back to Keith.

“Why are you naked?”

“Inspecting all my scars, you know, having fun playing ‘What happened here? Who knows?’”

“Okay… well are you alright? Does something still hurt?”

“My arm does.”

“Well that’s what you get for not letting us heal it,” Shiro said in a joking tone.

“No, that’s not why. I – “

“Am fine. I know. But even you cannot heal a broken arm by pure stubbornness and –”

“– remember.”

“– you really should just let us, wait what?”

“I remembered something.”

Worry, hope, relief, fear and eagerness flashed over Shiro’s face in the span of five seconds.

“That is great Keith, it’s huge! What did you remember?”

“My arm, this arm had been broken before. I’m not sure, I think there was a mudslide and Lance and I was ripped apart and my arm broke when we separated. And then some galra found me and, and…”

“Take your time Keith.”

“Keith looked up at Shiro with dead eyes. “I think I was tortured.”

Shiro visibly flinched. “What do you mean tortured?”

“I mean, I think someone hung me from a ceiling and started cutting in me.” He pointed to his scared chest. That’s what happened here I think. If I remember correctly, a knife was stabbed in here and twisted. And… are you okay Shiro?”

Shiro looked like he was going to throw up.

“I’m fine, it’s just – someone did that, someone did all that, to you and I couldn’t help you. And now you talk about it like it happened to someone else, someone who’s not you”

“I guess it’s easier to talk about it that way, when I pretend it’s not about me.”

“Okay.”

They were quiet for a while before Shiro got a mischievous look in his eyes.

“And why is there another mattress in here.”

Keith blushed, he knew how this would sound.

“Lance started sleeping in here after my nightmare, so he could wake me up if – when – I have more”

“And is that the only reason he is here? It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you have talked every night over the coms almost since you came back?”

“No, no! I mean uh, I mean…”

“Sure, little brother”

“No really Shiro, listen, no come back, listen, you just need to let me explain, I can explain!”

But Shiro had already left the room, laughing.”


End file.
